【作文批改】4.5分：基礎不夠紮實，需多練習！

重要的是要在筆記本里有這麼一頁專門用來列舉(brainstorming)所有的這些角度，寫作或者閲讀的時候，想到或者看見了新的角度要寫進這一頁裏，經常使用的角度要標為,重點考試的時候就不會絞盡腦汁也不知道有什麼可以寫了，可以一口氣寫出好幾個從不同角度出發的論點，然後進一步構思如何論述，選擇比較容易論述的論點就好。

【作文批改】4.5分：基礎不夠紮實，需多練習！

今天來看看這位同學發來作文，主題是 傳統食物與快餐 。基礎不夠紮實，所以有點跑題，小毛病也比較多，小夥伴們可以看看老師是怎樣批改的，這些問題説不定就是你經常犯的哦~~多看看別人的問題，可以及時改正自己的錯誤，要時時關注我們啦。


In many countries traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This has negative effects on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days the boom of fast food at astounding pace attracts people s reflection of their daily diet.[b1] I reckon that we had better get rid of the control of fast food as soon as possible.
題目是 快餐取代傳統食物對家庭和社會有負面影響 ，而不是表達的是 快餐對家庭和社會有負面影響 ，所以審題要清楚。顯然，你在表明觀點的時候只是來説明fast food，有些偏題。


Firstly, it is widely perceived that fast food does harm to our body. With the ingredients arealways simple and less nutritious[b2] , fast food cannot meet our enormous demands for several kinds of nutrition, while can provide[b3] large amount of[b4] fat and sugar. For instance, the typical example of fast food---French Fries, which is cooked only by potatoes and oil[b5] , are regarded as a main cause of obesity and even proved to lead to cancer. A broken body can not only have destructive impact on one s life but also the productivity of our workforce, because of the lack of energy.

Another problem is that fast food severely reduces the time beingspent on communication among relatives. Fast food is named after its convenience, which means chances are people can have a meal within 15 min[b6] . By contrast, cooking and having a traditional meal needs at least 1 hour, and people can embrace the opportunity to accompany with their family[b7] or even colleagues in kitchen as well as on table[b8] , sharing anecdotes, feelings and experiences. In this way, people can ease their strain, build a close relationship with their families and even to a large extent, build a closely-knit community that consists of millions of families and companies.

Overall I believe the oligopoly of several kinds of international fast food in restaurant industry has extremely limited advantages towards[b9] the masses both in physical and mental sides. It s the right time to focus back to traditional food even though fast food is suitable for hectic lives in urban area.

[b1]這句話的表達不地道，改為These days, fast food is
booming at an astounding pace, making people reflect on their dietary habit.
[b2]with的結構沒有掌握清楚，with後面不能跟完整的句子
[b3]改為 only providing
[b4]amount的用法一般是：a large amount of或者large amounts of [b4]
[b5]這裏表達的意思應該是油炸土豆，made of fried potatoes
[b6]這句話完全不通順，把chances are去掉，min用複數mins
[b7]families
[b8]at table在餐桌邊，在進餐
[b9]用benefits to


點評：

1. 文章的開頭部分和第二段的論證有些偏題，沒有緊扣題目，後面兩段迴歸到題目上。文章應該緊扣的是傳統食物和快餐。所以考試的時候審題非常重要。
2. 有些句子的表達仍然有些欠缺，有個別句子表達不地道，詞彙使用有所提高。要注意一些小的語法點不要出錯，注意單複數，固定短語，以及一些固定結構。
3. 開頭部分寫得不是很吸引人，應注意提高開頭部分的寫作，看一些好的作文，吸取一些經驗。

得分：4.5


附批改原圖：








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